can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize