he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
