You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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