The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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