I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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