you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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