Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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