So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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