My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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