the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
