Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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