I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
