i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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