She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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