I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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