She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
