Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
