I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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