seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
