I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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