i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
