I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
