Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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