hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
