i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
