the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
