I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
