Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
