The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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