I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
