Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
