I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
