I'm so fucking centered right now
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
