I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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