Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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