i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I believe in your delicious
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
