I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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