I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
