it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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