I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
