today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
