Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Sober January is a disaster.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
