And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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