I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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