I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
