I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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