Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
