I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
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They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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