nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
