I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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