at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
