so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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