he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
