like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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