I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
