I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
