apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
