How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
