Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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