the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
