i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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