Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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